Mat's ego is inferior

Dear key annoying audience members this past Saturday at the Improv during Charlie Murphy and Freeze Love’ set,

Hi. My name is Mat Elfring, and I hate you. Why do I hate you? Well, I spent a lot of money to take my girlfriend out to a comedy show, and you spent a lot of the night being fucking ridiculous. Listen, I understand we’re all at a comedy show, and we’re all having a great time, but I think you missed the point of the whole comedy show, which is to watch comedy. I will address the three of you individuals personally, so you feel as alienated as possible, even though you’ll never read this.

I don’t know if you guys saw it, but the very opening of the show was a video featuring the very funny Todd Glass where he explains the rules most rooms have. I’d like to re-establish two of these rules with you very quickly, again: Keep your talking to a minimum and turn off your cell phones. You all missed this video because you were talking.

1. Dude in the blue vest:

I’ll never understand people like you. People who are so oblivious to the world around them. Sure, there’s no law that says we should respect the people around us, but sometimes it feels nice to and when you respect people, they respect you back. You, however, are too busy not only talking on your phone, but talking louder than Charlie Murphy, who is on stage. Did you feel embarrassed when he made fun of you? Is that why you left so quickly and didn’t return? It’s pretty easy to go out into the hall and answer your phone, you know. Or, just don’t answer it.

2. Fat Guy Who Reminds Me of Every Italian Restaurant Owner

You’re loud, annoying, and you constantly tell everyone around you that your best friend is black and sitting next to you. Congrats. Three cheers for friendship diversity! Just because you’re big, your voice doesn’t has to be. I’m sure you and your pals love to chat, but I don’t like your conversations, and you know what else? You’re not funny, so please stop trying to tell jokes. Leave it to the professionals.

3. Fat Guy’s Black Friend

Yeah, you sucked too, and you both deserve each other. Aside from being just as loud, you spent a good deal of time yelling out things like “Darkness” and “fuck yo couch!” We all saw Chappelle show, and it was/is brilliant, but don’t you realize that Charlie Murphy hears this at every single show. The guy is a solid storyteller. Let him do his job, and enjoy it. Also, no one thinks you’re funny. They think the lines you’re repeating from television are funny. You’re a plagiarist. 

Let me say this, being a comedian is not easy. It may be fun, but when people like you are around, it’s a bitch. We shouldn’t have to stop our sets in order to tell you to shut the fuck up or put down your phone. Aside from that, the room is packed with people that all payed roughly $35 a ticket, then a two drink minimum to go out for the night. That ain’t cheap. We don’t want to listen to you. We want to listen to Charlie Murphy and Freeze Love. I hope you all understand that you were insatiable twats that night, and while you may not have ruined my night, you sure did annoy the piss out of me and many other people in the audience. Remember, it’s not a good thing when the audience focuses their attention towards you.

Sincerely,

Mat Elfring

A comedian and a lover of stand-up comedy

UPDATE: I forgot to mention one thing. I loved the Improv in Schaumburg. It was an amazing room, which made me a bit madder because these assholes will never understand how to appreciate a good comedy room. Comedians do a lot of shows in small venues, and sometimes even in the dreaded bars. Walking into a room like the Improv was very refreshing and incredibly impressive. It’s something a comedian can inspire to work up to. Don’t get me wrong, I’ll tell jokes anywhere and do it with a sincere smile on my face. I’ll play a bar during the 7th game of the World Series, with all the televisions turned on.

For those who want to know, I was apprehensive about seeing Charlie Murphy because he’s famous for a non-stand-up role. Like when Steve-O did Zanies in St Charles last year and bombed horribly according to a couple of my comedy loving friends that saw him. Luckily, Charlie was pretty funny, and more importantly, he brought the storytelling role from television onto the stage. It was worth every penny.

The host/opener was a poet from Chicago. He was very talented, but he wasn’t a comedian. It didn’t fit well, and his material seemed to be just for the black audience members.

The guy in between was named Freeze Love. I hated this guy’s stage name but loved everything else about him. He engaged the crowd incredibly well, and his comedy was a hit with everyone regardless of race, religion, or sex. I would love to see him and Murphy again.